Technically today begins my summer vacation—those two weeks between summer and fall quarter where I have no papers to grade, no students to respond to, nothing. Vacation. The word and moreover its definition have no real meaning to me. For the past 6 years my life has been a constant state of aggravated pace, moving, job change, and one-woman-do-it-all-making dreams come true entrepreneurship. There hasn’t been down time.
I’m tired, I’m stressed, I can’t relax, and yes I’m fatter. Let me be real here. I love my life—I designed it, but, in the pursuit of my goal of manifesting Spellcast Entertainment I wish all those entrepreneurship books and “helpful advice” would have told me how hard this truly is. To be fair, many of the books/articles I’ve read have said “hard”, yet a formal definition of “requiring a great deal of endurance or effort” doesn’t cover it.
I worry all the time about money—ALL THE TIME. And though I have a great job that affords me the ability to save money each month, between student loans, credit card debt, and the unusually high cost of living in Atlanta, I’m only able to move over a couple hundreds dollars a month. I scrimp and save and yet it isn’t enough to cover all the bills (lawyers, insurance, etc.) so I have to go without and as of late incur more debt. I also have to pick up extra work where I can to help. To even be able to continue ahead I must plan on moving and getting a roommate—something I detest the thought of being an introvert.
Then there is the fear that this won’t work out; that all my wishing, hoping, praying, planning, hard work, sacrifice and dedication will not be enough. This feeling is the real bitch. This comes from the ugly place I’ve pushed way down inside. The place where the rejection, the insecurity, the knowing you’re not good enough festers. It is the basement door you walk by everyday and are scared shitless to go down but you know you have to or you’ll never have clean clothes.
I don’t know if this is going to work out and I’m scared. I’m scared that all the choices I’ve made since 2007 to get me to this point will amount to zero—that the people and relationships I’ve sacrificed for will get nothing. I’m scared that I will disappoint.
Hard isn’t the right word…